Wave Back – Music that Hits Different

I couldn’t finish watching Dear Evan Hansen because of how painful it is to watch a train speeding toward a wreckage.

But the music hit differently.

Besides the obvious “you will be found” mantra playing over and over in my head, the lyrics and melody of “Waving through a Window” still haunt me.

Now I like musicals and quite a few have made me cry, but this one burns like a familiar scar.

The lyrics go:

“I’ve learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me…”

Before we even get to the chorus, I feel naked, like someone has seen the inner parts of me. Why start a conversation with someone if you already know the poor outcome? Why attempt to make a friend when those relationships fizzle out like a candle in the wind?

It’s those negative thoughts creeping in again of what could and most likely will be…

Then the song goes:

“Give them no reason to stare
No slipping up if you slip away
So I got nothing to share
No, I got nothing to say”

This is my most recent pain point because it feels easier to do nothing to avoid the heartbreak.

If I say nothing, then no one can hurt me with my own words. If I do nothing, then my actions aren’t blame-able.

It hurts to think this way, but what is the alternative? Try and fail again?

“Step out, step out of the sun
If you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun
Because you’ve learned, because you’ve learned”

Have I learned anything useful?

“On the outside, always looking in
Will I ever be more than I’ve always been?
‘Cause I’m tap, tap, tapping on the glass
I’m waving through a window
I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I’m watch, watch, watching people pass
I’m waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?”

That agonizing image of waving through a window with no one waving back is harsh.

Imagine the crushing loneliness of it all.

That is why it is sooo important to reach out to loved ones you haven’t heard from in a while and tell them you care. Remind them that you are waving back at them.

Otherwise, dark thoughts take over, thoughts that no one cares and that everyone simply passes by without seeing you at all.

As someone who has attempted to take my own life, know that you are not alone. I am waving back at you if no one else is. Keep tapping on the glass and never give up because we need you here.

I don’t care what you’ve done or who you think you are, you are a light and we need you here.

I know it’s painful but it will pass, so take a deep breath and keep waving.

I will keep waving back at you.

Arishama